Free drinks.
Free dinners.
Free movies (you get the point).
You can hug your friend without wondering if she thinks you're gay.
You can hug your friend without wondering if YOU'RE gay.
You know The Truth about whether size matters.
Speeding ticket? What's that?
New lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life.
You never had to walk down the hall with your binder strategically positioned in high school.
If you have sex with someone and don't call them the next day, you're not the devil.
Condoms make no significant difference in your enjoyment of sex.
If you have to be home in time for Melrose Place, you can say so, out loud.
It's possible to live your whole life without ever taking a group shower (unless your military).
Brad Pitt.
You don't have to fart to amuse yourself.
If you cheat on your spouse, people assume it's because you're being emotionally neglected.
You'll never have to decide where to hide your nose-hair clipper.
No one passes out when you take off your shoes.
If you forget to shave, no one has to know.
You can congratulate your teammate without ever touching her butt.
If you have a zit, you can conceal it.
You never have to reach down every so often to make sure your privates are still there.
If you're dumb, some people will find it cute.
You don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
You have the ability to dress yourself.
You have an excuse to be a total bitch at least once a month.
You can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
If you're wearing cologne, you don't have to pretend it's aftershave.
You'll probably never see someone you know while peeing in an alley.
You'll never have to punch a hole through anything with your fist.
You can quickly end any fight by crying.
There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
You've never had a goatee.
Gay waiters don't make you uncomfortable.
You'll never regret piercing your ears.
You can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
You don't have hair on your back.
You know which glass was yours by the lipstick mark.

Personal Ads Decoded

TRANSLATIONS OF TERMS USED:

FIRST THE WOMEN:

§         40-ish ............... 49

§         Adventurer.....Has had more partners than you ever will

§         Athletic.......................Flat-chested

§         Average looking.......... Ugly

§         Beautiful..................... Pathological liar

§         Contagious smile......... Bring your penicillin

§         Educated ................... College dropout

§         Emotionally secure....... Medicated

§         Feminist....................... Fat; a ball buster

§         Free spirit.................... Substance user

§         Friendship First......... Trying to live down a reputation as a slut

§         Fun........................... Annoying & Talks A Lot

§         Gentle ..................... Comatose

§         Good listener ........... Borderline autistic

§         New-age ....................Body Piercing &/or Tattoos

§         Old-fashioned ........... Lights out, missionary position only

§         Open-minded ............. Desperate

§         Outgoing.................... Loud

§         Passionate.................. Loud

§         Poet..................... .....Depressive schizophrenic

§         Professional...............Aggressive &/or Overbearing

§         Redhead.................... Shops the Clairol section

§         Reubenesque..............Fat

§         Romantic.................. Looks better by candlelight

§         Voluptuous............... Grossly Fat

§         Weight proportional to height......Watch Out!!

§         Wants soulmate..........One step away from stalking

§         Widow...................... Nagged first husband to death

§         Young at heart.......... Toothless crone

THE MALE SIDE OF THE LIST:

§         40-ish...................52 and looking for 25-yr-old

§         Athletic................Sits on the couch and watches ESPN

§         Average looking...Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, and back

§         Educated..............Will always treat you like an idiot

§         Free Spirit............ Sleeps with your sister

§         Friendship first..... As long as friendship includes touching & nudity.

§         Fun........................Good with a remote and a six pack

§         Good looking.........Arrogant

§         Honest....................Pathological liar

§         Huggable................Overweight, more body hair than a buffalo

§         Likes to cuddle.......Insecure, overly dependent

§         Mature ...................Until you get to know him

§         Open-minded..........Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested

§         Physically fit............I spend a lot of time in front of mirror admiring myself

§         Poet....................... Has written on a bathroom stall

§         Spiritual.................. Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday

§         Stable..................... Occasional stalker, but never arrested