women sayings

 

Why It's Great To Be A Woman!

Free drinks.
Free dinners.
Free movies (you get the point).
You can hug your friend without wondering if she thinks you're gay.
You can hug your friend without wondering if YOU'RE gay.
You know The Truth about whether size matters.
Speeding ticket? What's that?
New lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life.
You never had to walk down the hall with your binder strategically positioned in high school.
If you have sex with someone and don't call them the next day, you're not the devil.
Condoms make no significant difference in your enjoyment of sex.
If you have to be home in time for Melrose Place, you can say so, out loud.
It's possible to live your whole life without ever taking a group shower (unless your military).
Brad Pitt.
You don't have to fart to amuse yourself.
If you cheat on your spouse, people assume it's because you're being emotionally neglected.
You'll never have to decide where to hide your nose-hair clipper.
No one passes out when you take off your shoes.
If you forget to shave, no one has to know.
You can congratulate your teammate without ever touching her butt.
If you have a zit, you can conceal it.
You never have to reach down every so often to make sure your privates are still there.
If you're dumb, some people will find it cute.
You don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
You have the ability to dress yourself.
You have an excuse to be a total bitch at least once a month.
You can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
If you're wearing cologne, you don't have to pretend it's aftershave.
You'll probably never see someone you know while peeing in an alley.
You'll never have to punch a hole through anything with your fist.
You can quickly end any fight by crying.
There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
You've never had a goatee.
Gay waiters don't make you uncomfortable.
You'll never regret piercing your ears.
You can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
You don't have hair on your back.
You know which glass was yours by the lipstick mark.

Personal Ads Decoded

TRANSLATIONS OF TERMS USED:

FIRST THE WOMEN:

         40-ish ............... 49

         Adventurer.....Has had more partners than you ever will

         Athletic.......................Flat-chested

         Average looking.......... Ugly

         Beautiful..................... Pathological liar

         Contagious smile......... Bring your penicillin

         Educated ................... College dropout

         Emotionally secure....... Medicated

         Feminist....................... Fat; a ball buster

         Free spirit.................... Substance user

         Friendship First......... Trying to live down a reputation as a slut

         Fun........................... Annoying & Talks A Lot

         Gentle ..................... Comatose

         Good listener ........... Borderline autistic

         New-age ....................Body Piercing &/or Tattoos

         Old-fashioned ........... Lights out, missionary position only

         Open-minded ............. Desperate

         Outgoing.................... Loud

         Passionate.................. Loud

         Poet..................... .....Depressive schizophrenic

         Professional...............Aggressive &/or Overbearing

         Redhead.................... Shops the Clairol section

         Reubenesque..............Fat

         Romantic.................. Looks better by candlelight

         Voluptuous............... Grossly Fat

         Weight proportional to height......Watch Out!!

         Wants soulmate..........One step away from stalking

         Widow...................... Nagged first husband to death

         Young at heart.......... Toothless crone

THE MALE SIDE OF THE LIST:

         40-ish...................52 and looking for 25-yr-old

         Athletic................Sits on the couch and watches ESPN

         Average looking...Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, and back

         Educated..............Will always treat you like an idiot

         Free Spirit............ Sleeps with your sister

         Friendship first..... As long as friendship includes touching & nudity.

         Fun........................Good with a remote and a six pack

         Good looking.........Arrogant

         Honest....................Pathological liar

         Huggable................Overweight, more body hair than a buffalo

         Likes to cuddle.......Insecure, overly dependent

         Mature ...................Until you get to know him

         Open-minded..........Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested

         Physically fit............I spend a lot of time in front of mirror admiring myself

         Poet....................... Has written on a bathroom stall

         Spiritual.................. Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday

         Stable..................... Occasional stalker, but never arrested


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