male jokes

Men vs Women III

More Stories About the Differences Between Men & Women...

To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

         A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband,
while a man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

         A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry her...
A man, of the woman who didn't.

         Married men live longer than single men.
But married men are a lot more willing to die.

         Any married man should forget his mistakes...
No use in two people remembering the same thing.

How do you know if you're in love, in lust, or really married?

LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST - When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE - When you lose your child in crowded room.

LOVE - When intercourse is called "making love."
LUST - When intercourse is called "screwing."
MARRIAGE - What the hell are you talking about?

LOVE - When you argue over how many children to have.
LUST - When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE - When you argue over money.

LOVE - When you share everything you own.
LUST - When you steal everything they own.
MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.

LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
LUST - When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
MARRIAGE - What's a climax?

LOVE - When you phone each other just to say, "Hi."
LUST - When you phone each other to pick a hotel room.
MARRIAGE - When you phone each other to bitch.

LOVE - When you write poems about your partner.
LUST - When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE - When all you write is checks.

LOVE - When you show concern for your partner's feelings.
LUST - When you couldn't give a damn.
MARRIAGE - When your only concern is what's on TV.

LOVE - When your farewell is "I love you, darling..."
LUST - When your farewell is "So, same time next week..."
MARRIAGE - When your farewell is a relief.

LOVE - When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST - When you only see each other naked.
MARRIAGE - When you never see each other awake.

LOVE - When your heart flutters everytime you see them.
LUST - When your groin twitches everytime you see them.
MARRIAGE - When your wallet empties everytime you see them.

LOVE - When nobody else matters.
LUST - When nobody else knows.
MARRIAGE - When everybody else matters and you don't care who knows.

LOVE - When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST - When the song on the radio determines how you do it.
MARRIAGE - When you listen to talk radio.

LOVE - When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
LUST - When staying together is something you try not to think about.
MARRIAGE - When just getting through today is your only thought.

LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
LUST - When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score.

Marriage is a three ring circus:

*Engagement ring
*Wedding ring

8 things you'll never hear a man say :

8) Here honey, you use the remote.
7) You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.
6) Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!
5) While I'm up, can I get you anything?
4) Sex isn't that important, sometimes I just want to be held.
3) Aww, forget Monday night football, let's watch Melrose Place.
2) Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on.
1) We never talk anymore.

8 things you'll never hear a woman say :

8) What do you mean today's our anniversary?
7) Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.
6) Ohh, this diamond is way too big!
5) Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being 'just friends'
4) Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?
3) Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.
2) I don't care if it's on sale, 300 dollars is way too much for a designer dress.
1) Hey, pull my finger!

man walks into the woman's section of a department store and tells the sales clerk he wants to buy a bra for his wife.

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man, "there's more than one type?"

"There are three types." replies the clerk, "The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"

Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference in them?"

The clerk responds, "It is really very easy. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."

Of course, sometimes things just don't work out. Feel free to use this letter to get your message across more diplomatically:

[Today's Date]

Dear (name),

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further Contention as "Mr. Right". As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut.

I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening come available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition: (Check those that apply)

         __Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.

         __Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.

         __The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been at McDonald's reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing.

         __Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.

         __You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.

         __Your breasts are bigger than mine.

         __Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you can't GET into my pants.

         __ You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.

         __You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you.

         __You have a hairy back.

         __ I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.

         __The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.

         __Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting.

         __Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.

         __Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long term partner.

         __Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.

         __The fact that you categorize the ProBowler's Tour as 'must see TV' demonstrated that you do not meet my intelligence requirements.

         __Somehow I doubt those condoms that I found in your overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business trip.

         __I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.


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