More Stories About the Differences Between Men & Women...
by Matt Groening
NEWS BULLETIN - Men and women are NOT alike. Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we have proof! After countless hours of surveys and studies on the following topics, these facts have emerged:
Relationships:
First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship - he refers
to it as "that time when me and Suzie was doing it on a semi-regular basis".
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends,
and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will
get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months
after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say,
"I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive
you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know there's
always a chance for us". This is known as the "I Hate You/I Love You"
drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community
colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes
rarely prove effective.
Sex:
Women prefer 30 - 45 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30 - 45 seconds of foreplay.
Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.
Maturity:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as
adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each
other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work.
Hats:
Women look good in hats; men look like dinks.
Comedy:
Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television,
and an episode of "The Three Stooges" comes on. Immediately, the men
will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate
the actions of Curly, man's favorite stooge. The women will roll their eyes
and groan and wait it out.
Handwriting:
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch.
Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their "i's" with
circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's"
and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when
she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
Bathrooms:
A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving
cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average
number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able
to identify most of these items.
Groceries:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys
these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a
lemon and something turning green. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything
that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is
packed tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this
will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
Going out:
When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When
a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready to go out, as
soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on her makeup...
Shoes:
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip
into Reebok sneakers. She wil carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks.
When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later,
she will kick them off because her feet are under her desk. A man will wear
one pair of shoes for the entire day.
Leg warmers:
Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes,
is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants. A man
can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball"
number in "A Chorus Line".
Cats:
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men
kick cats.
Mirrors:
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror. Women are ridiculous;
they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface--mirrors, spoons,
store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head.
Garages:
Women use garages to park their cars and to store their lawnmowers. Men use
garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, and they watch
TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.
Movies:
For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien Leigh
for the first time in "Gone With The Wind". For men, it's when Jimmy
Cagney shoves a grapefruit in Mae Clark's face in "Public Enemy".
Jewelry:
Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one
ring, and that's it. Any more than that, and he will look like a lounge singer
named Vic.
Menopause:
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional,
psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of the changes
varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction--he
buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes
shopping for a Porsche.
The Telephone:
Men see the telephone as a communications tool. They use the telephone to send
short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks,
and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for
three hours.
Low Blows:
Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television. One of
the fighters is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh, gee, that must
hurt." The man doubles over and actually feels pain.
Directions:
If a woman is out driving and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings,
she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to
be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will
drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like
I've found a new way to get there", and, "I know I'm in the neighborhood.
I recognize that White Hen store".
Admitting Mistakes:
Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted that
he was wrong was Gen. George Custer.
Richard Gere:
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard
Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club
and dates only married women.
Offspring:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist
appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods
and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short
people living in the house.
Dressing up:
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage answer
the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
Nudity in Movies:
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because
every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The
only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is
another reason why men hate him.
David Letterman:
Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the Earth. Women
think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.
Cameras:
Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4,000 for state-of-the-art
equipment, and build darkrooms, and take photography classes. Women purchase
Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures.
Politics:
Men love to talk politics, but often they forget to do political things such
as voting. Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedys is growing
up and getting into politics, because they will be able to campaign for them
and cry on election night.
Locker Rooms:
In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and women.
They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they
think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one
thing in the locker room--sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely
graphic and technical, and THEY NEVER LIE.
Laundry:
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing
he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before
he will do the laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty
sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the
laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This
is a myth.
Weddings:
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony".
Men talk about "the bachelor party".
Cheerleaders:
Female cheerleaders are cute, sexy, fresh, and all-American. Male cheerleaders
are scary.
Socks:
Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks. Women wear strange
socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures of clouds on them, and
have a big fuzzy ball on the back.
Toys:
Little girls love to play with toys. Then, when they reach the age of 11 or
12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession wih toys. As they
older, their toys drive become more expensive and impractical. Examples of men's
toys: little miniature TV's, car phones, complicated juicers and blenders, graphic
equalizers, small robots that serve cocktails on command, video games, anything
that blinks, beeps, and requires at least six batteries to operate.
Plants:
A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters
the plants. The woman comes home five days later, to an apartment full of dead
plants. No one knows why this happens.
Mustaches:
Some men look good with mustaches. Those men are Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds.
There are no women who look good with mustaches.
Nicknames:
With the exception of female body-builders, who call each other names like "Ultimate
Pecs" and "Big Turk", women eschew the use of nicknames. If Gloria,
Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other
Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out
for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head,
Godzilla, Peanut Brain and Useless.
1. "You get this one, next round is on me."
(We won't be here long enough to get another round.)
2. "I'll get this one, next one is on you."
(Happy hour is about to end...drafts are now a dollar, but by the next round
they'll be $4.50 a pop.)
3. "Hey, where is that friend of yours?" (I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.)
4. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel."
(female)
(I'm easy.)
5. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel."
(male)
(I'm gay.)
6. "Ever try a body shot?" (male to female)
(I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.)
7. "Ever try a body shot?" (female to male)
(If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride
home?)
8. "I don't feel well, let's go home." (female)
(You are paying more attention to your friends than me.)
9. I don't feel well, let's go home." (male)
(I'm horny.)
10. "Who's got the next round?"
(I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting
attention.)
11. "Excuse Me." (male to male)
(Get the hell out of the way.)
12. "Excuse Me." (male to female)
(I am going to grope you now.) (Editor's Note - one of my personal favorites)
13. "Excuse Me." (female to male)
(Don't even think about groping me, just get the hell out of the way.)
14. "Excuse Me." (female to female)
(Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy,
and don't think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a
ho... Get your eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you, bitch, like the slut you
are.)
15. "What do you have on tap?"
(What's cheap?)
16. "Can I have a white Russian?" (male)
(I'm *really* gay.)
17. "Can I have a white Russian?" (female)
(I'm *really* easy.)
18. "That person looks really familiar."
(Did I sleep with him/her?)
19. Can I just get a glass of water?" (female)
(I'm annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.)
20. I don't have my ID on me." (female)
(I'm 19.)
21. "I don't have my ID on me." (male)
(I don't have a license since I got pulled over and blew a 0.4 after my last
visit here)
