The five questions are:
1 - "What are you thinking?"
2 - "Do you love me?"
3 - "Do I look fat?"
4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5 - "What would you do if I died?"
What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to
explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not
answer properly, which is to say dishonestly.
1 - "What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question,
of course, is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just
reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful,
intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to
have met you."
Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:
a - Baseball
b - Football
c - How fat you are.
d - How much prettier she is than you.
e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died.
2 - "Do you love me?" The correct answer to this question is,
"Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear.
Wrong answers include:
a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
c - That depends on what you mean by "love".
d - Does it matter?
e - I was thinking of how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
3 - "Do I look fat?" The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room.
Wrong answers include:
a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight looks good on you.
d - I've seen fatter.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?"
The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were starring at so hard that you almost cause a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier."
Wrong answers include:
a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e - I sorry what did you say, I was thinking of how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
5 - "What would you do if I died?" Correct answer: "Dearest love,
in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:
"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do
you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife. "No, of couse not, dear"
said the husband.
"Don't you like being married?" said the wife. "Of course I do, dear"
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?" "Alright," said the husband, "I'd
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt. "Yes" said the
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long
"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly." And would you let her wear my
"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures
of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose
you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed."
How to Shower like a Woman --
1. Take off the fourteen layers of clothing you put on this morning because there was a distinct chill in the air due to the temperature dropping below 73 degrees. Carefully fold and place in clothes hamper.
2. Walk to bathroom. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh immediately.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.
4. Position the shower nozzle away from you and turn on water.
5. Get in the shower, once you have found it through all that steam.
6. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
7. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
8. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
9. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
10. Watch fallen hair accumulate on drain & fret.
11. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub until red.
12.; Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
13. Complain bitterly when you realize that your boyfriend/husband has once again been eating your Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
14. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).
15. Shave armpits and evaluate if there is time left for legs.
16. Slick hair back and pretend you're like Bo Derek in 10.
17. Use pumice stone to soften rough spots on feet.
18. Use massage mitt to reduce cellulite on thighs.
19. Use nail brush to clean toe nails.
20. Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband runs faucet and you get a rush of cold water.
21. Cover your entire body in baby oil.
22. Turn hot water on full and rinse off, making shower dangerously slippery for boyfriend/ husband.
23. Dry with a towel the size of a small African country.
24. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a spot, or new hair in an uncommon place.
25. Apply body lotion from the neck down. Moisturize. Moisturize!
26. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh immediately, and then rush to bedroom.
How To Shower Like a Man --
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile on the floor.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing a towel. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs.
4. Turn on the water, get jet blast in ear.
5. Check for pecs again.
6. Get in the shower.
7. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).
8. Wash your face (not compulsory).
9. Whistle a few bars of the Irish Spring song.
10. Wash your armpits (not compulsory).
11. Wash your groin area.
12. Wash your behind, with your wife's/girlfriend's loofah.
13. Cough up anything that might be lodged in the back of your throat.
14. Shampoo your hair with the blue bar of deodorant soap (no need for conditioner).
15. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
16. Open the door and look at yourself in the mirror.
17. Sample your girlfriend's/wife's Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
19. Blow your right nostril.
20. Blow your left nostril.
21. Rinse off and get out of the shower.
22. Return to the bedroom wearing a towel, if you pass your girlfriend/wife, flash her.