mother funnies

Things My Mother Taught Me


My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE

"If you're going kill   each other, do it outside -   I just finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION

  "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL

  "If you don't straighten up,    I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC

  "Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT

  "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in   case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY

  "Keep laughing and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS

"Shut your mouth and eat   your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM

  "Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA

  "You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER

  "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS

"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY

"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE

  "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION

"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY

  "There are millions of less fortunate children in   this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

The Evolution of Mom

Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each baby. Here, some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first:

Your Clothes -
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes *are* your regular clothes.

The Baby's Name -
1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.
2nd baby: Someone has to name their kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.
3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger falls. Bimaldo? Perfect!

Preparing for the Birth -
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

The Layette -
1st baby: You prewash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries -
1st baby: At the first sign of distress - a whimper, a frown - you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Activities -
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out -
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home -
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.




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