sexes jokes

Men vs Women

Stories About the Differences Between Men & Women...

Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive.

No further testing is planned.

 

The husband gave his wife a gift - a tombstone,
with the inscription: HERE LIES MY WIFE - COLD AS EVER.

Later the furious wife bought a return present - also a tombstone,
on which the inscription read : HERE LIES MY HUSBAND - STIFF AT LAST.


Male & Female Interpretations

THINGY (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car's hood.
male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male: Playing ball without a cup.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon)n.
female: The sharing of thoughts & feelings with one's partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the guys.

BUTT (but) n.
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
male: The organ of mooning and farting.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 minutes.

TASTE (tayst) v.
female: Something you do frequently to whatever you're cooking, to make sure it's good.
male: Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad, prior to tossing it out.


And now for the question of the day...

Is Your Computer 'Male' or 'Female'?

As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female.
(e.g., "Steady as she goes" or "She's listing to starboard, Captain!")

Recently, a group of computer scientists (all male) announced that computers should also be referred to as being female.

Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follows:

Five reasons to believe computers are female:

1.      No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.

2.      The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3.      The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."

4.      Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

5.      As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

However, another group of computer scientists (all female) think that computers should be referred to as if they were male.

Their reasons follow:

1.      They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.

2.      They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.

3.      As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.

4.      In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

5.      Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.

 

"The way I look at it, if the kids are still alive when my husband comes home from work, then I've done my job."

Quotes:

"Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't, they'd be married too. "
   ~H. L. Mencken

"Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others. "
   ~Oscar Wilde

CONFUCIUS SAY

1.      Passionate kiss like spider web - lead to undoing of fly.

2.      Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.

3.      When lady say no, she mean maybe. When lady say maybe, she mean yes. When lady say yes - she no lady!

Signs Your Spouse is Having an Affair on the Computer

10. Lately she sits at the computer naked
9. After signing off, she always has a cigarette
8. The giant rubber inflatable disk drive
7. In the morning, the computer screen is all fogged up
6. She's gotten amazingly good at typing with one hand
5. She makes sarcastic remarks about your "software"
4. Lipstick on the mouse
3. During sex, she screams "A colon backslash enter insert!"
2. The jam in the laser printer is a pair of underpants
1. The fax file is filled with pictures of some guy's ass

 

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills...
She had 14 kids, but she didn't mind a bit!


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