GOOD HUMOUR - BAD ADS
- 2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect
524-0960. Leave mess.
- Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like
one of the family.
- A superb and inexpensive restaurant.
Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
- Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25;
- For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with
thick legs and large drawers.
- Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique
- Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and
get an extra pair to take home, too.
- Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators
- Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce
- We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do
it carefully by hand.
- For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
- For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepherd
and an Alaskan Hussy.
- Great Dames for sale.
- Have several very old dresses from grandmother in
- Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
- Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
- Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
- Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the
Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
- Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
- Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates.
Automatically burns toast.
- Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress,
but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
- Stock up and save. Limit: one.
- For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
- Man, honest. Will take anything.
- Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month.
- Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing
- Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here
- Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find
- Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
- Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke
- 3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience
- Our experienced Mom will care of your child.
Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
- Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
- Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery.
Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
- Illiterate? Write today for free help.
- Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head
illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
- Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires
person to assume general housekeeping duties.
Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
- And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched
in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
- We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension
in your home for $1.00.
What a Concept
Early bird gets the worm, but the second
mouse gets the cheese.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
Support bacteria - the only culture some people have.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case; Coincidence?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
Top 50 OXYMORONS
Temporary tax increase
Diet ice cream
Twelve-ounce pound cake
Synthetic natural gas
"Now, then ..."
New York culture
And the Number one top OXYMORON:
51 FUN THINGS TO DO AT WAL-MART
- Take shopping carts for the express purpose of
filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
- Ride those little electronic cars at the front
of the store.
- Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute
intervals throughout the day.
- Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you
can get to join in.
- Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling
all the spray air fresheners.
- Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of
- Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
- Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
- When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW,
especially thin narrow aisles.
- Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official
tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and
see what happens.
- Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn
them all off and turn the volumes to "10".
- Play with the automatic doors.
- Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi!
I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along
to avoid embarrassment.
- While walking through the clothing department,
ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this crap,
- Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
- Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim
you're taking it for a "test drive."
- Follow people through the aisles, always staying
about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.
- Play soccer with a group of friends, using the
entire store as your playing field.
- As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner,
look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"
- Put M&M's on layaway.
- Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted
- Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others
you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
- Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch"
from the other aisles.
- Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
- Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around
saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"
- TP as much of the store as possible.
- Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
- Play with the calculators so that they all spell
"hello" upside down.
- When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry
and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
- When two or three people are walking ahead of you,
run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"
- Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees
if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples
- Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a
full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
- Take bets on the battle described above.
- Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs
- While handling guns in the hunting department,
suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
Act as spastic as possible.
- Hold indoor shopping cart races.
- Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme
from "Mission: Impossible."
- Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
- Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
- Say things like, "Would you be so kind as
to direct me to your Twinkies?"
- Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front
of the store.
- Two words: "Marco Polo."
- Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the
pet food aisle, etc.
- "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.
- In the auto department, practice your "Madonna"
look with various funnels.
- When someone steps away from their cart to look
at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
- Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked
- When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker,
assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices
- Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
- Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines
- If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink;
explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little
umbrella in it.