redneck wedding

Top Ten Signs You're At A Redneck Wedding

10. Rehearsal Dinner Held At Hooters
9. Instead Of "Friends Of The Bride Or Friends Of The Groom?"
    Ushers Ask "Ford Or Chevy?"
8. Bridesmaids: Pink Tube Tops
   Bridegrooms: Travis Tritt T-Shirts
7. Phrase "I Do" Replaced By "I Heard That"
6. Tender Rendition Of "The Wedding Song" Performed By Pinkard & Bowden
5. When Minister Asks Who Giveth This Woman To Be Married...
   Some Guy In The Back Stands Up And Hollers "Earnhardt!"
4. Reception Conversation Includes The Phrase "So What Have You Been Doing Since Hee Haw, Mr. Lindsay?"
3. Snack Trays At Reception: Vienna Sausages And Nacho Cheese Doritos
2. Plans For The Honeymoon Evening Include Tickets To The Monster Truck Show

...And The Number One Way To Tell If You're At A Redneck Wedding...

Sign In Front Of The Church: No Shirt...No Shoes...No Problem!


You know it's going to be a bad day when...

...your twin sister forgets your birthday.

...you wake up face down on the pavement.

...you put your bra on backwards and it fits better.

...you call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.

...you see a "60 Minutes news team" waiting in your outer office.

...your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

...your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business.

...you want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party, and there aren't any.

...you turn on the TV news and they're displaying emergency routes out of your city.

...the woman you've been seeing on the side begins to look like your wife.

...you wake up to discover that your water bed broke then realize that you don't have a water bed.

...horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow Hell's Angels on the freeway.

...you get a rejection notice from the HUMOR List server saying that you're no longer funny

...you open the paper and find your picture under a caption that reads:

"WANTED: DEAD OR ALIVE!"


Church Announcements

Once again, Actual announcements taken from church bulletins:

  • Don't let worry kill you. Let the church help.
  • Thursday night-potluck supper. Prayer medication to follow.
  • Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
  • For those who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
  • The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Reverend and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
  • This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
  • Tuesday at 4PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
  • Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
  • Thursday at 5PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in the private study.
  • This being Easter Sunday, we ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
  • Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
  • The ladies of the chuch have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement.
  • A bean supper will be held Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
  • Weight Watchers will meet at 7pm at the church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
  • The Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
  • Pastor is away. Massages can be given to church secretary.
  • Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
  • The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
  • The Men's group will meet at 6pm. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
  • The minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan: "I've Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

Slogans

1. Home is where you hang your @
2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. C:\ is the root of all directories.
8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. A chat has nine lives.
14. Don't byte off more than you can view.
15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
16. What boots up must come down.
17. Windows will never cease.
18. Speed thrills.
19. Virtual reality is its own reward.
20. Modulation in all things.
21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
22. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.


You know you're an Internet Junkie if...

1. You wake up at 3 a.m. go to the bathroom and stop to check e-mail on the way back to bed.
2. You get a tatoo that reads "This body best viewed with Netscape Navigator 3.0 or higher."
3. You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom.
4. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
5. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.
6. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
7. You laugh at people with 14.4 modems.
8. You start using smilies in your snail mail.
9. Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged in for two hours. You start to twitch. You pick up the phone and manually dial your ISP's access number. You try to hum to communicate with the modem... And you succeed.
10. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
11. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
12. You start introducing yourself as "JohnDoe at AOL dot com."
13. All of your friends have an @ in their names.
14. Your cat has its own home page.
15. You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
16. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
17. Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
18. You don't know what sex three of your closest friends are, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
19. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
20. You tell the cab driver you live at "http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html."
21. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.


ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES

GATORS TO FACE SEMINOLES WITH PETERS OUT- The Tallahassee Bugle

MESSIAH CLIMAXES IN CHORUS OF HALLELUJAHS- The Anchorage Alaska Times

GOVERNOR'S PENIS BUSY [should be "Pen Is"]- The New Haven Connecticut Register

THANKS TO PRESIDENT CLINTON, STAFF SGT. FRUER NOW HAS A SON- The Arkansas Plainsman

CLINTON PLACES DICKEY IN GORE'S HANDS- Bangor Maine News

STARR AGHAST AT FIRST LADY SEX POSITION- The Washington Times

CLINTON STIFF ON WITHDRAWAL- The Bosnia Bugle

LONG ISLAND STIFFENS FOR LILI'S BLOW- Newsday

ORGAN FESTIVAL ENDS IN SMASHING CLIMAX- San Antonio Rose

PETROLEUM JELLY KEEPS IDLE TOOLS RUST-FREE- Chicago Daily News

TEXTRON INC. MAKES OFFER TO SCREW COMPANY STOCKHOLDERS- The Miami Herald

MARRIED PRIESTS IN CATHOLIC CHURCH A LONG TIME COMING- The New Haven Connecticut Register

GOVERNOR CHILES OFFERS RARE OPPORTUNITY TO GOOSE HUNTERS- The Tallahassee Democrat

WOULD SHE CLIMB TO THE TOP OF MR. EVEREST AGAIN? ABSOLUTELY!- The Houston Chronicle

AND THE YEAR'S BEST REAL HEADLINES ARE ...

  • Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
  • Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
  • Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
  • Miners Refuse to Work after Death
  • Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
  • Stolen Painting Found by Tree
  • Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter
  • War Dims Hope for Peace
  • If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
  • Enfield Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
  • Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
  • Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
  • Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
  • New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
  • Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
  • Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
  • Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
  • New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
  • Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors


redneck funnies