website jokes

Lists1

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How to Build a Web Page in less than 25 Steps

1.                              Download a piece of Web authoring software - 20 minutes.

2.                              Think about what you want to write on your Web page - 6 weeks.

3.                              Download same piece of Web authoring software, because they released 3 new versions - 20 minutes.

4.                              Decide to just steal some images and awards to put on your site - 1 minute.

5.                              Visit sites to find images and awards, find 5 of them that you like - 4 days.

6.                              Run setup of your Web authoring software. After it fails, download it again - 25 minutes.

7.                              Run setup again, boot the software, click all toolbar buttons to see what they do - 15 minutes.

8.                              View the source of others' pages, steal some, change a few words here and there - 4 hours.

9.                              Preview your Web page using the Web Authoring software - 1 minute.

10.                          Try to horizontally line up two related images - 6 hours.

11.                          Remove one of the images - 10 seconds.

12.                          Set the text's font color to the same color as your background, wonder why all your text is gone - 4 hours.

13.                          Display a counter from your ISP - 4 minutes.

14.                          Try to figure out why your counter reads "You are visitor number "-16.3E10" - 3 hours.

15.                          Put 4 blank lines between two lines of text - 8 hours.

16.                          Fine-tune the text, then prepare to load your Web page on your ISP - 40 minutes.

17.                          Accidentally delete your complete web page - 1 second.

18.                          Recreate your web page - 2 days.

19.                          Try to figure out how to load your Web page onto your ISP's server - 3 weeks.

20.                          Call a patient friend to find out about FTP - 30 minutes.

21.                          Download FTP software - 10 minutes.

22.                          Call your friend again - 15 minutes.

23.                          Upload your web page to your ISP's server - 10 minutes.

24.                          Connect to your site on the web - 1 minute.


How to be Annoying

* Tell your friends, four days prior to their party, that you can't attend because you're not in the mood.

* Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars, to see if they slow down.

* Practice making faxmodem noises. 

* If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

* Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way".

* Drum on every available surface.

* Remove every line of someone's .newsrc file except the entry for alt.sex.fetish.hamster.duct-tape.

* Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

* Staple papers in the middle of the page.

* Ask 800 operators for dates.

* Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.

* Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.

* Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

* Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

* Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

* Set alarms for random times.

* Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."

* Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.

* Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

* Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

* Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the volume properly adjusted.

* Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

* Honk and wave to strangers.

* Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.

* Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

* Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

* Wear your pants backwards.

* Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

* Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

* Rouse your roommates from slumber each morning with Lou Reed's "Metal Machine Music".

* Leave someone's printer in compressed-italic-Cyrillic-landscape mode.

* ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

* only type in lowercase.

* don't use any punctuation either

* Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

* Pay for your dinner with pennies.

* Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

* Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

* Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's road maps.

* Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ OJ Simpson conspiracy theories.

* Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?"

"What?"

"Never mind, it's gone now."

* Light road flares on a birthday cake.

* Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

* Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

* Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador".

* Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

* At the Laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

* When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

* Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One".

* As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

* Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

* Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.

* Sing the "This is the song that never ends..." song. (Ya know, Lamb Chops?)

* Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

* Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

* Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up", and repeat.

* Drive half a block.

* Name your dog "Dog".

* Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

* Ask people what gender they are.

* Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

* Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.

* Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern Drawl.

* Forget the punch line to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot".

* Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

* Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.

* Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies' "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

* While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

* Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

* Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

* Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

* Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.

* Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

* Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

* Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

* Wear a LOT of cologne.

* Ask to "interface" with someone.

* Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing".

* Sing along at the opera.

* Mow your lawn with scissors.

* At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!"

* Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy".

* Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend".

* Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

* Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles".

* Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't ricket."

* Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture".

* Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

* Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.

* Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

* Never make eye contact.

* Never break eye contact.

* Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

* Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

* Construct your own pretend "tricorder", and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

* Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.

* Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

* Make appointments for the 31st of September.

* Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

* Send fifty copies of this list to everyone you know.

* Call in sick, then show up.



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