· Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
· Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)
· Make up nicknames for all your co-workers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." and "No I'm sorry I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Sammy."
· Send E-mail to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example, "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
· 'Hi-lite' your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this.
· While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in 'Palmolive'.
· Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.
· Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.
· Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes.
· Insist that your e-mail address be Know_it_all@companyname.com
· Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
· Send E-mail to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company's products. Forward the E-mail to a co-worker and ask them to settle the disagreement.
· Suggest that beer be put in the soda machine.
· Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
· Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it 'IN'.
· Determine how many cups of coffee is 'too many'.
· Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
· Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children.
· Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
* If you did an error-free installation of
* When your modem starts smoking.
* If no one can reach you by phone since your computer is always online.
* If you log-off your system because it's time to go to work.
* If you call in sick because you found a great new WWW site.
* If you can type your top 10 favorite Web sites, by heart.
* If you can locate a particular home page without using a search engine.
* If you can write your own html page.
* If you can access more than 20 erotic no-pay sites.
* If you download more than 20Mb of from a binary news group, in one session.
* If while reading a magazine, you look for the Zoom icon for a better look at a photograph.
* You comment, while watching a sunset, that the image would be enhanced with 10% more magenta and a higher resolution.
* If while driving down the street, you are confused by the numbers on the houses - they do not appear to be legitimate WWW addresses.
* When someone tells you to remember something, and you look for File/Save command.
* When you discover there is no little car icon with a forward arrow on the dashboard of your car, to make it go.
* When you think the File/Kill command should apply to your system administrator.
* When you find it easier to dial-up the National Weather Service Weather/your_town/now.html than to simply look out the window.
* When you start using phrases like: Hungry.must-eat.food.now@home
* If you have a heart attack when you forgot to pay your phone bill and receive a "pending disconnection of service" notice.
* When you order most of what you buy... online.
* If your fingers quit moving because you've been online for 36 hours.
* When you find yourself engaged to someone you've never actually met; except through e-mail.
* When you log-off from a session in your favorite news group... and your log reads: Online time: 56 hours 24 minutes.
* If your net provider suggests you try a competitor, because you're exceeding 300 hours a month connect time.
* When you add your third modem and dedicated phone line.
* You access Microsoft's Web page every Sunday morning for Brother Bill's sermon.
* When that 112Gb hard drive is full.
* If 133 Mhz is simply too slow.
* When your desk collapses under the weight of your computer peripherals.
* If you have an "online" light installed on your car to tell you when the engine is running.
* When you discover that in order to drive your car somewhere, you do not enter an http:// or ftp:// address.
* If you can actually talk to the computers in your new car - and understand what they say.
* When you modify the programming of your car's computers and actually get better mileage.
* When you can access the Net - via your portable and cellular phone.
* If on the way home from work, you use your portable and cellular phone in your car, to reprogram a Tomahawk missile, in flight, and redirect it to take out the joker in the Cadillac who cut you off.
* If you try to press Alt-F4 to close your car window.
* When you put a CD-ROM in your car's player.
* When someone tells you about a great new program and you're very disappointed to find it's on TV.
* If every sentence you utter begins with, "On the Net..."
* If you put your e-mail address in the upper left-hand corner of envelopes.
* If you have your e-mail address printed on your stationary.
* When you insist on seeing the movie "The Net" - for the 63rd time.
* When you have the movie "The Net" on CD-ROM.
* If magazines like "InterNetWorld" are of greater interest than "Playboy" or "Playgirl".
* If you maintain more than 6 e-mail addresses.
* If you use more than 20 passwords.
* If you setup your own Web page.
* If you setup a Web page for each of your kids... and your pets.
* If, instead of a phone number, you ask someone for their e-mail address.
* If you don't know anyone who DOESN'T have an e-mail addresses.
* If, to you, 'safe sex' means doing it online.
* If you convince your mom that she HAS to get online because e-mail is so much cheaper than long distance phone charges.
* If you can relate to one of the above.
* If you can relate to all the above.
* If you deny these relate to you.
* If you can write a list like this.
25. "My Plan To Find The Real Killers"
by OJ Simpson
24. "To All The Men I've Loved Before" by Ellen DeGeneres
23. "The Book of Virtues" by Bill Clinton
22. The Difference between Reality and Dilbert
21. Human Rights Advances in China
20. "Things I Wouldn't Do for Money" by Dennis Rodman
19. Al Gore: The Wild Years
18. Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
17. America's Most Popular Lawyers
16. Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
15. Detroit - A Travel Guide
14. Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
13. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
12. Easy UNIX
11. Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
10. Everything men Know About Women
9. Everything women Know About Men
8. French Hospitality
7. George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names
6. "How to Sustain a Musical Career" by Art Garfunkel
5. Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
4. One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
3. Staple Your Way to Success
2. The Amish Phone Directory
1. The Engineer's Guide to Fashion