On Sears hair dryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
On bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
On a box of Dial
Directions: Use like regular soap.
On some Schwann's
Serving suggestion: Defrost
On a hotel provided
shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.
On Tesco's Tiramisu
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
On Marks & Spencer
Product will be hot after heating.
On packaging for
a Rowenta Iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
On Boot's Children's
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
On Nytol (a sleep
Warning: May cause drowsiness
On a Korean kitchen
Warning: Keep out of children
On a string of Chinese-made
For indoor or outdoor use only.
On a Japanese food
Not to be used for other use.
On Sainbury's peanuts:
Warning: Contains Nuts
On an American Airlines
packet of nuts:
Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts
On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
1) Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life
2) Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed
3) Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
4) Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
5) How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
6) How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You When You Know I've Been A Liar All My Life?
7) I Been Roped And Thrown By Jesus In The Holy Ghost Corral
8) I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
9) I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
10) I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me
11) I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart.
12) I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
13) I Wanna Whip Your Cow
14) I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck!
15) I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
16) I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy
17) I'm Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life
18) I'm The Only Hell Mama Ever Raised
19) I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart
20) I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In Your Welfare Line
21) If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
22) If Love Were Oil, I'd Be A Quart Low
23) If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You
24) If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will
25) If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?
26) Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
27) My Every Day Silver Is Plastic
28) My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus
29) My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart
30) My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
31) Oh, I've Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I Can See Through You
32) Pardon Me, I've Got Someone To Kill
33) She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft
34) She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
35) She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart
36) She Won't Get Under Me, Til I Get Over You
37) She's Got Freckles On Her, But She's Pretty
38) She's Thinking Single, I'm Drinking Double
39) Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone
40) They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From Breakin' Out
41) Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart
42) When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I'll Think You're Walking In
43) You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too
44) You Can't Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd
45) You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
46) You Were Only A Splinter As I Slid Down The Bannister Of Life
47) You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
Kinder, Gentler Ways to Say Someone is Stupid
1. A few clowns short of a circus
2. A few fries short of a Happy Meal
3. An experiment in artificial stupidity
4. A few beers short of a six-pack
5. Dumber than a box of hair
6. A few peas short of a casserole
7. Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box
8. The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead
9. One Froot Loop shy of a full bowl
10. One taco short of a combo plate
11. A few feathers short of a whole duck
12. All foam, no beer
13. The cheese slid off the cracker
14. Body by Fisher - Brains by Mattel
15. Has an IQ of 2 and it takes 3 to grunt
16. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear
17. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel
18. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down
19. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools
20. As smart as bait
21. Chimney's clogged
22. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash
23. Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair
24. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor
25. Forgot to pay his brain bill
26. Her sewing machine's out of thread
27. His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels
28. His belt doesn't go through all the loops
29. If he had another brain it would be lonely
30. Missing a few buttons on his remote control
31. No grain in the silo
32. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse
33. Receiver is off the hook
34. Several nuts short of a full pouch
35. Skylight leaks a little
36. Slinky's kinked
37. Surfing in Nebraska
38. Too much yardage between the goal posts