funny instructions


Actual Label Instructions

         On Sears hair dryer:
Do not use while sleeping.

         On bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

         On a box of Dial Soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.

         On some Schwann's frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost

         On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.

         On Tesco's Tiramisu desert:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)

         On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.

         On packaging for a Rowenta Iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.

         On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.

         On Nytol (a sleep aid):
Warning: May cause drowsiness

         On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: Keep out of children

         On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.

         On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for other use.

         On Sainbury's peanuts:
Warning: Contains Nuts

         On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts

         On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

The Best of the Worst Country-Western Song Titles
(Yes, these are REAL.)

1) Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life
2) Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed
3) Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
4) Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
5) How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
6) How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You When You Know I've Been A Liar All My Life?
7) I Been Roped And Thrown By Jesus In The Holy Ghost Corral
8) I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
9) I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
10) I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me
11) I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart.
12) I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
13) I Wanna Whip Your Cow
14) I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck!
15) I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
16) I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy
17) I'm Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life
18) I'm The Only Hell Mama Ever Raised
19) I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart
20) I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In Your Welfare Line
21) If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
22) If Love Were Oil, I'd Be A Quart Low
23) If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You
24) If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will
25) If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?
26) Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
27) My Every Day Silver Is Plastic
28) My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus
29) My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart
30) My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
31) Oh, I've Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I Can See Through You
32) Pardon Me, I've Got Someone To Kill
33) She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft
34) She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
35) She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart
36) She Won't Get Under Me, Til I Get Over You
37) She's Got Freckles On Her, But She's Pretty
38) She's Thinking Single, I'm Drinking Double
39) Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone
40) They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From Breakin' Out
41) Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart
42) When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I'll Think You're Walking In
43) You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too
44) You Can't Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd
45) You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
46) You Were Only A Splinter As I Slid Down The Bannister Of Life
47) You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

Kinder, Gentler Ways to Say Someone is Stupid

1.    A few clowns short of a circus

2.    A few fries short of a Happy Meal

3.    An experiment in artificial stupidity

4.    A few beers short of a six-pack

5.    Dumber than a box of hair

6.    A few peas short of a casserole

7.    Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box

8.    The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead

9.    One Froot Loop shy of a full bowl

10.                       One taco short of a combo plate

11.                       A few feathers short of a whole duck

12.                       All foam, no beer

13.                       The cheese slid off the cracker

14.                       Body by Fisher - Brains by Mattel

15.                       Has an IQ of 2 and it takes 3 to grunt

16.                       Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear

17.                       Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel

18.                       He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down

19.                       An intellect rivaled only by garden tools

20.                       As smart as bait

21.                       Chimney's clogged

22.                       Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash

23.                       Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair

24.                       Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor

25.                       Forgot to pay his brain bill

26.                       Her sewing machine's out of thread

27.                       His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels

28.                       His belt doesn't go through all the loops

29.                       If he had another brain it would be lonely

30.                       Missing a few buttons on his remote control

31.                       No grain in the silo

32.                       Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse

33.                       Receiver is off the hook

34.                       Several nuts short of a full pouch

35.                       Skylight leaks a little

36.                       Slinky's kinked

37.                       Surfing in Nebraska

38.                       Too much yardage between the goal posts