There was a new priest who was so nervous at his first mass that he could hardly speak. Before his second week in the pulpit, he asked the Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor said "Next week it may help if you put some Vodka in the water pitcher. After a few sips everything should go smoothly." The next Sunday the new priest put the suggestion into practice and was able to talk up a storm and did just great. Upon returning to the rectory, however, he found a note from the Monsignor:
1. Next time, sip rather
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples not 10.
4. David slew Goliath, he did not kick his ass.
5. WE do not refer to our savior Jesus Christ and his apostles as "J.C. and the boys."
6. Next week there is a taffy pulling contest at St. Peters, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
7. We do not refer to the cross as the "The Big T."
8. The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as "Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook."
9. The recomended Grace before meals is not "Rub-A-Dub, thanks for the grub, Yo God!"
10. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
11. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
12. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
13. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following;
"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."
A woman was trying to board a bus but her skirt was too tight and she could not step up.
She reached behind her and lowered the zipper a bit and tried again. The skirt was still too tight. She reached behind her and lowered the zipper some more. Still she couldn't get into the bus and lowered the zipper a third time.
All of a sudden she felt two hands on her butt, which proceeded to push her up into the bus. She spun around with anger in her eyes and said indignantly, "Sir, I do not know you well enough for you to behave in such a manner. "
The man smiled coyly and said, "Lady, I don't know you well enough for you to unzip my fly three times either."
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. The young man stands up and asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes and asks God to cleanse his soul.
The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
He leans over to her and says,"You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
Proposed Dictionary Definition for Windows 95:
Windows 95 - A partial 32-bit graphical shell extension for a 16-bit patch to an 8-bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, pieced together by a 2-bit company that can't stand 1 bit of competition.
A very wealthy man, old and desperately ill, summons to his bedside his three closest advisors: his doctor, his priest, and his lawyer. I know, he says, they say 'you can't take it with you.' But who knows? Suppose they're mistaken. I'd like to have something with me, just in case. So I am giving each of you an envelope containing one hundred thousand dollars and I would be grateful if at my funeral you would put the envelopes in my coffin, so that if it turns out that it's useful, I'll have something. They each agree to carry out his wish.
Sure enough, after just a few weeks, the old man passes away. At his funeral, each of the three advisors is seen slipping something into the coffin. After the burial, as the three are walking away together, the doctor turns to the other two and says, Friends, I have a confession to make. As you know, at the hospital we are desperate because of the cutbacks in funding. Our CAT SCAN machine broke down and we haven't be able to get a new one. So, I took $20,000 of our friend's money for a new CAT SCAN and put the rest in the coffin as he asked.
At this the priest says, I, too have a confession to make. As you know, our church is simply overwhelmed by the problem of the homeless. The needs keep increasing and we have nowhere to turn. So I took $50,000 from the envelope for our homeless fund and put the rest in the coffin as our friend requested.
Fixing the other two in his gaze, the lawyer says I am astonished and deeply disappointed that you would treat so casually our solemn undertaking to our friend. I want you to know that I placed in his coffin my personal check for the full one hundred thousand dollars.
There was this quiet, conservative man who happened to own a parrot. Unfortunately for the man, this parrot swore like a sailor. He would swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. This bird's foul mouth was driving the man crazy.
One day, it just got
to be too much, so the man grabbed the bird by the neck, shook him really hard,
"QUIT IT!" But this just made the bird mad and he would start swearing even more.
The guy finally got fed up and said, "OK for you" and locked the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This only aggravated the parrot who continued to claw and scratch the cabinet while he cursed even louder than before with a stream of swearing that would make a sailor blush.
At that point the guy became so mad that he threw the parrot into the freezer! For the first few seconds the bird continued swearing, now louder, at the top of his lungs. He kicked and clawed and thrashed all about the place. Then it suddenly became VERY quiet. At first the guy just waited, but then he started to think that the bird might be hurt.
After a couple of minutes
of silence, he became so worried that he opened the freezer door. The bird calmly
climbed on the man's out-stretched arm and said, with a slightly English accent:
"Awfully sorry, old man, about all the trouble I gave you. I say there old chum, I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man was astounded and just could not believe nor understand the transformation that had come over the parrot.
Then the parrot said, "By the way, good man, what exactly did the chicken do?"
These three men are going through CIA training, trying to become secret agents. They finally get through all their written and physical tests when they are pulled aside by one of the instructors who takes them to a small room with a one way mirror in it looking into another room.
They bring the first guy's wife into that room and leave her there. The instructor then loads two rounds into a pistol, hands it to the first man and says "Go kill your wife of five years." The trainee takes the weapon, goes into the next room but comes back out 1 minute later and says "I can't do it." The instructor replies, "Then you fail out - get out."
They then bring the second guy's wife into the room and leave her there. The instructor then loads two rounds into a pistol, hands it to the second man and says "Go kill your wife of ten years." The trainee takes the weapon, goes into the next room but comes back out 3 minutes later and says "I can't do it." The instructor replies, "Then you fail out - get out."
Finally, they bring the third guy's wife into the room and leave her there. The instructor then loads two rounds into a pistol, hands it to the third man and says "Go kill your wife of fifteen years." The trainee takes the weapon, goes into the next room where there is silence for 1 minute. Suddenly, there are two gunshot sounds followed by a huge commotion in the room. The third man came out finally, sweating profusely, and says, "Good job, asshole! You gave me blanks - I had to choke the bitch!"
Pinnochio was receiving complaints from his girlfriend about consummating their passions. "Every time we make love", she said " I get splinters". So he went back to his maker, Gipetto, the carpenter, to ask his advice.
"Sandpaper, my boy, that's what you need" was the carpenter's response.
A couple of weeks later the carpenter met Pinnochio. "How are you getting on with the girls now?" he asked
"Who needs girls?" replied Pinnochio.
Why was Raggedy Ann thrown out of the toy box?
Because she kept sitting on Pinnochio's face, yelling
A burglar was inside a home one night, prowling around in the dark with just a flashlight, looking for things to take. Out of the thick blackness came a raspy voice whispering, "Jesus is watching you!"
He stopped and looked around--and saw no one. On he goes about his nefarious business, when he hears it again, "Jesus is watching you!!"
He flicks his flashlight all around the room and it comes to rest on a large parrot in a cage.
"Did you say that?" he asked.
"Of course," says the bird.
"You're just a bird--what would you know about Jesus?"
Huffily, the bird answers, "I'm Clarence."
Laughing, the burglar says, "And what idiot would name a bird like you Clarence? Ha! Ha!"
Says Clarence, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus!"
A magician had settled into a comfortable gig on a cruise ship. His act was rendered hilarious by his parrot, who would ridicule the magician after every trick, saying things like, "Big deal, the card's up his sleeve," or "He put the ball in a hidden floor, the faker!" One night the ship began to sink. Confusion reigned, and the magician was barely able to hop into a tiny lifeboat with his beloved parrot. For two days the magician and parrot floated on the rough seas. Strangely, the parrot sat on the opposite end of the tiny craft staring at the magician. Finally, on the fourth day the parrot blurted out, "OK, I give up! Where'd you put the #&*@ boat?!"
Three women were dressing after an aerobics workout and talking about their spouses.
"My husband," said the first, "is a marriage counselor. He always buys me candy or flowers before we make love."
"Mine is a jeweler," the second said. "He always brings me a pearl or two before we make love."
The third woman paused. "Well," she finally said, "my husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it."
An office manager had money problems & had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill... He thought he'd fire the employee who came late to work the next morning. Well, both employees came to work very early.
Then the manager thought he would catch the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break.
Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break - strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day, they both ate at their desk.
Then the manager thought he'd wait & see who would leave work the earliest, and both employees stayed after closing.
Jill finally went to the coat rack & the manager went up to her & said, "Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off."
Jill said, "Well, you'd better jack off, because I'm late for my bus."
This old man went to the doctor for a physical exam. When the doc was thru the old man said "What about my sperm count"? "Sperm count", said the doc! "You're 85 years old". The old man said, "I paid for a complete physical and I want it". So the doctor gave him a little bottle and told him to go home and do his thing in the bottle and return it.
2 weeks later the old guy came back in holding an empty bottle! What happened said the doctor? The old man said " I tried it with my left hand, I tried it with my right hand and I even got my wife to take out her teeth. And I still can't get the top off this damn bottle.
A rabbi, a Hindu, and a lawyer are in a car. They run out of gas, and are forced to stop at a farmers house. The farmer says that there are only 2 extra beds, and one person will have to sleep in the barn.
The Hindu says, "I'm humble, I'll sleep in the barn," so he goes out to the barn. In a few minutes, the farmer hears a knock on the door. It's the Hindu and he says, "There is a cow in the barn. It's against my beliefs to sleep with a cow."
So the rabbi says, "I'm humble, I'll sleep in the barn." A few minutes later, the farmer hears another knock on the door and it's the rabbi.
He says that it is against his beliefs to sleep where there is a pig and there is a pig in the barn.
So the lawyer is forced to sleep in the barn. A few minutes later, there is a knock on the door.
It's the pig and the cow...