Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.
The pastor says, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor goes to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor goes to the middle aged couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the pastor.
The pastor then goes to the newlywed couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "Well Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied. "What happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there." "You understand of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.
"That's OK," said the young man, "We're not welcome at Stop & Shop anymore either."
3 buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation.
They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say.....LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!!!"
An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy. Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home. That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away! Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. Well, dear, what exactly did he say? He said the reflector is broken. I can fix that in two minutes. What else? I'm not sure, Jacob ... something about the emergency brake...
A man was walking on the sidewalk and noticed up ahead that a young boy was wearing a red fireman's hat and sitting in a red wagon. It appeared that the wagon was being pulled slowly by a large Labrador Retriever. When the man got closer to the boy, he noticed that he had a rope tied around the dog's testicles, which probably accounted for why the dog was walking so gingerly.
So, the man kindly says,"That's really a nice fire engine you have there...but I'll bet the dog would pull you faster if you tied that rope around his neck."
"Yeah," the boy replied, "but then I wouldn't have a siren!"
Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The Priest says, "Is that you Tommy?"
"Yes father, it is I."
"Who was the woman you were with?"
"I cannot tell you... For I do not wish to sully her reputation."
The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"No father." "Was it Fiona MacDonald?"
"Was it Ann Brown?"
"No father, I cannot tell you."
The priest says firmly, "I admire your perseverance but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be five Our Fathers and four Hail Marys."
Tommy goes back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and says, "What happened?"
Tommy replies, "Well, I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Marys and three good leads."
An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, but to no avail. Again, he falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stands up and, sure enough, he falls flat on his face.
The Irishman decides to crawl the four blocks to his home. When he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time, he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed. He is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!"
"Why do you say that?" he asks innocently.
"The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again."
A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled. The farmer said, "That's once." A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer said, "That's twice." After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse. His brand new bride raised all kind of hell with him, telling him, "That was an awful thing to do."
The farmer said, "That's once."
Did you hear about the woman who was married to a succession of three Microsoft employees and still died a virgin?
Her first husband was in Training, and kept teaching her how to do it herself.
The second was in Sales, and kept telling her how good it was going to be.
And the third was Tech Support, and kept saying "Don't worry, it'll be up any minute now..."
What do Viagra and Disney World have in common?
You have to wait 1 hour for a two minute ride.
The manager hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet and polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. While leaving the room, she courteously said, "Oh by the way sir, did you know that your barracks door is open? He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new employee.
Calling her in, he asked, "By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?" The secretary, who was quite witty replied, "Why no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."
Two men were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from a burning freight vessel. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp.
Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a Genie did appear! This particular Genie, however, stated that she could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!"
Immediately the Genie clapped her hands with a deafening crash, and the entire sea turned to the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the Genie vanished to her freedom. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the sudden stillness as the the two men considered their circumstances.
The other man looked
disgustedly at the one who's wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled
moment, he spoke:
"Nice going! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!!"
A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry.
During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet, one of the boys came out and told her he couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed for an elementary school child. "I guess you must be in the fifth," she said.
he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow.
Thanks for the lift anyhow."
Hank was amazed at the length of the funeral procession he saw going down the street. Watching for a while, he observed that the cortege consisted entirely of men and that it was led by a man holding a Doberman Pinscher on a leash.
When his curiosity got the better of him, Hank walked up to the man at the head of the line and said, "Please excuse me for the interruption in your time of grief, but I've never seen such a funeral procession. Would you mind telling me who it's for?"
"It's for my mother-in-law," said the mourner. Tightening the leash, he looked down at the dog and said, "My Doberman killed her."
"Gee, that's terrible," said Hank. "But...hmmm...is there any way you might lend me your dog for a day or two?"
The bereaved son-in-law pointed over his shoulder, and said, "Get in line."
A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the bartender in the foot. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! You just shot my bartender and you didn't pay for your sandwich! Who do you think you are?!?" The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!" The manager rushes to his dictionary...
"pan*da n. (Ailuropoda melanoleuca) A rare, mountain dwelling mammal of China and Tibet, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodka."
The barman says "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife..."
A man and his wife are doing yard work. The husband says to his wife, "your rear end is as wide as a grill." She ignores the remark.
A little later, the husband takes his measuring tape and measures the grill....then he goes over to his wife while she is bending working in a flower bed.....he measures her rear end and gasps, "geez, it really IS as wide as the grill."
Later that night while in bed her husband starts to feel frisky. She calmly responds, "if you think I'm going to fire up the grill for one little weiner, you are mistaken!