wife keeps complaining I never listen to her
...or something like that.
· Keep honking while I reload.
· If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
· Bad Cop! No Donut!
· Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
· It's lonely at the top, but you eat better
· I love cats ... they taste just like chicken.
· I get enough exercise just pushing my luck
· Sorry, I don't date outside my species
· Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
· Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
· As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
· Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.
· Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
· Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep.
· I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car ...
· Tow-ers will be violated.
· Montana - At least our cows are sane!
· The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
· I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
· Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!
· It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
· When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
· When there's a will, I want to be in it!
· Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
· If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
· Diarrhea is inherited. It runs in your jeans!
· Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
· My karma ran over my dogma.
· Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!
· Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
· Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
· Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
· We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
· Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
· He who laughs last thinks slowest.
· Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
· Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
· Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
· Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
· Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
· Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. i souport publik edekasion.
· We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
· Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
· There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
· Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
· Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
· Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
· 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
· I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.
· I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die
· If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.
· Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
· There's too much blood in my alcohol system.
· I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
· Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
· You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
· BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.