old age jokes
 

Feeling Old?

Baby Boomers - Then and Now

 

 

Then: Killer Weed
Now: Weed Killer

Then: Being caught withHustler magazine
Now: Being caught by Hustler magazine

Then: Hoping for a BMW
Now: Hoping for a BM

Then: The Grateful Dead
Now: Dr. Kevorkian

Then: Getting out to anew, hip joint
Now: Getting a new hip joint

Then: Moving to Californiabecause it's cool
Now: Moving to California because it's warm

Then: Being called intothe principal's office
Now: Storming into the principal's office

Then: Peace Sign
Now: Mercedes Logo

Then: OJ, cutting &slashing
Now: OJ, cutting & slashing

Then: Getting your headstoned
Now: Getting your headstone

Then: "The Making ofthe President"
Now: The making of the President

Then: "Goingblind"
Now: REALLY going blind

Then: Long hair
Now: Longing for hair

Then: Acid rock
Now: Acid reflux

Then: Worrying about noone coming to your party
Now: Worrying about no one coming to your funeral

Then: President Johnson
Now: The President's johnson

Then: Fighting to get ridof the lying President
Now: Fighting to keep the lying President

Then: The perfect high
Now: The perfect high-yield mutual fund

Then: Elvis in the army
Now: Elvis in a UFO

Then: Keg
Now: EKG

Then: Swallowing acid
Now: Swallowing antacid

Then: You're growing pot
Now: Your growing a pot

Then: Watching John Glenn'shistoric flight with your parents
Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids

Then: Trying to look likeMarlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor

Then: Passing the drivingtest
Now: Passing the vision test

Then: Seeds and stems
Now: Roughage

Then: Popping pills,smoking joints
Now: Popping joints

Then: Whatever?
Now: Depends

Then: "Off thepigs"
Now: "No bacon please, I am watching my cholesterol"

Then: Our president'sstruggle with Fidel
Now: Our president's struggle with fidelity

 

SIGNS THAT YOU ARE NO LONGER A KID

 

Signs That You Have Had Too Much OfThe 90's

You try to enter your password on the microwave.

You now think of three espresso's as "gettingwasted."

You no longer own a real deck of cards because all yourfavorite card games [solitaire, spades, and hearts]

are all played on yourcomputer.

Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of the screen.

You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

The concept of using real money, instead of credit ordebit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.

You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinneris ready, and he emails you back "What's for dinner?"

Your friend's daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via herweb site.

 

The Paradox of Our Modern Age

We have taller buildings, but shortertempers; wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints; we spend more, but have less;we buy more, but enjoy it less.

We have bigger houses and smallerfamilies; more conveniences, but less time; we have more degrees, but lesscommon sense; more knowledge, but less judgement; more experts, but more problems;more medicine, but less wellness.

We spend too recklessly, laugh toolittle, drive too fast, get too angry too quickly, stay up too late, get up tootired, read too seldom, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, butreduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom and lie too often. We'velearned how to make a living, but not a life; we've added years to life, notlife to years.

We've been all the way to the moon andback, but have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbour.

We've conquered outer space, but notinner space; we've done larger things, but not better things; we've cleaned upthe air, but polluted the soul; we've split the atom, but

not our prejudice; we write more, but learn less; plan more, but accomplish less.

 

We've learned to rush, but not to wait;we have higher incomes; but lower morals; more food but less appeasement; moreacquaintances, but fewer friends; more effort but less success.

We build more computers to hold moreinformation, to produce more copies than ever, but have less communication;we've become long on quantity, but short on quality.

These are the time of fast foods andslow digestion; tall men and short character; steep profits, and shallowrelationships.

These are the times of world peace, butdomestic warfare; more leisure and less fun; more kinds of food, but lessnutrition.

These are days of two incomes, but moredivorce; of fancier houses, but broken homes.

These are days of quick trips,disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one-night stands, overweight bodies,and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time whenthere is much in the show window, and nothing in the stockroom.

 

Said the little boy, "SometimesI drop my spoon."
Said the old man, "I do that too."
The little boy whispered, "I wet my pants."
"I do that too," laughed the old man."
Said the little boy, "I often cry."
The old man nodded, "So do I."
"But worst of all," said the boy, "it seems
grown-ups donít pay attention to me."
And he felt the warmth of a wrinkled old hand.
"I know what you mean," said the old man.

"In a dream you are never80."

-Anne Sexton, American poet(1928-1974)

 

Memory Test

Three old men at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three"? "274" was his reply.

The doctor says to the second man,"It's your turn. What is three times three"? "Tuesday" replies the second man.

The doctor says to the third man,"OK, Your turn. What's three times three ? "Nine"

says the third man.

"That's great" says thedoctor. "How did you get that"?

"Simple" says the third man."I subtracted 274 from Tuesday".



funnies